Few ideas in psychology have penetrated popular culture as deeply as the "five stages of grief." Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance. These words have become a kind of script for how we're supposed to grieve.
Friends and family might ask which stage you're in. Self-help articles promise that acceptance awaits if you just work through the earlier stages. You might evaluate your own grief against this framework, wondering if you're "stuck" or progressing appropriately.
The problem? The five stages of grief don't describe how most people actually grieve.
This isn't to say the model is worthless—it gives us a common language for some of grief's emotional territory. But the model was never meant to be a map of the grieving process. And treating it as one can actually harm grieving people who don't fit the pattern.
This article explores where the five stages came from, what research actually says about grief, and what models better capture the reality of loss. Understanding the limits of the stages can free you to grieve in your own way.
Where Did the Five Stages Come From?
In 1969, Swiss-American psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross published On Death and Dying. The book was groundbreaking—at a time when death was a taboo topic in medicine, Kübler-Ross sat with dying patients and listened to their experiences.
From these conversations, she identified five emotional responses that terminally ill patients often exhibited:
Kübler-Ross's Original Five Stages
- 1. Denial: "This can't be happening." A defense mechanism that buffers the shock of a terminal diagnosis.
- 2. Anger: "Why me?" Rage at the unfairness of dying, often directed at doctors, God, or loved ones.
- 3. Bargaining: "If I could just have more time..." Attempts to negotiate with fate, God, or doctors.
- 4. Depression: "What's the point?" Deep sadness about impending death and what will be lost.
- 5. Acceptance: "It's going to be okay." Coming to terms with death, finding peace.
This was about dying, not grieving. Kübler-Ross was describing how people facing their own death process that reality—not how bereaved people cope with someone else's death. This is an important distinction that got lost as the model became popular.
The model was also never meant to be a strict sequence. Kübler-Ross later clarified that patients might experience stages in different orders, skip stages entirely, or revisit stages multiple times. But this nuance was lost as the model spread through popular culture.
What Research Actually Shows About Grief
In the decades since On Death and Dying, researchers have studied how grief actually works. The findings don't support a stage model:
Key Research Findings on Grief
- • No consistent stage sequence: Studies do not find that grieving people move through denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance in order.
- • Most people don't experience all stages: Many grieving people never experience bargaining. Others never feel anger. This is completely normal.
- • Acceptance isn't an endpoint: Grief doesn't end with "acceptance." Many people carry grief throughout their lives while still living meaningful lives.
- • Waves, not stages: Grief tends to come in waves triggered by reminders of the loss, not in a linear progression.
- • High individual variation: How someone grieves depends on the relationship, circumstances of death, their personality, culture, support system, and prior experiences with loss.
A 2021 systematic review examined how websites portray the stages of grief. The researchers found that 61% of sites addressed the model, often presenting it as fact without critical evaluation. They concluded this could harm bereaved people by creating false expectations about how grief "should" proceed.
Specific Criticisms of the Stage Model
Researchers have identified several problems with using the five stages as a model for grief:
- • Not empirically derived: The stages came from qualitative interviews, not systematic research that could be validated and replicated.
- • Mixes categories: The model conflates defense mechanisms (denial), emotions (anger, depression), behaviors (bargaining), and cognitive processes (acceptance)—making it conceptually confused.
- • Implies a trajectory: The numbered sequence suggests grief moves toward a clear endpoint, when actually grief often circles back on itself.
- • Pathologizes normal grief: People who don't experience certain stages may worry something is wrong with them.
- • Originally about dying, not bereavement: Applying it to bereaved people involves a significant leap that was never validated.
Better Models: How Grief Actually Works
Contemporary grief researchers have developed models that better match people's actual experience of bereavement. Here are the most influential:
The Dual Process Model
Developed by Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut in 1999, the Dual Process Model (DPM) has become the most widely supported framework in grief research.
The Dual Process Model
Healthy grieving involves oscillating between two modes of coping:
- Loss-oriented coping: Processing the loss, grieving, confronting painful emotions, yearning for the deceased.
- Restoration-oriented coping: Adapting to life changes, taking on new roles, rebuilding identity, engaging with the world.
You naturally move back and forth between these modes—sometimes within a single day. This oscillation is healthy and necessary.
A 2024 study found that what people learn in one mode carries over to the other. Processing sorrow helps with daily life; engaging in daily life helps tolerate grief. Getting stuck in either mode—only focusing on loss or only avoiding it—is associated with prolonged grief disorder.
Worden's Tasks of Mourning
Psychologist William Worden proposed that grieving involves working through four "tasks" (not stages):
- 1. Accept the reality of the loss: Moving from denial to acknowledgment that the person is really gone.
- 2. Process the pain of grief: Allowing yourself to feel the emotions of grief rather than suppressing them.
- 3. Adjust to a world without the deceased: Adapting to new roles, routines, and identity changes.
- 4. Find a way to maintain connection while embarking on a new life: Developing continuing bonds with the deceased while still engaging with life.
Unlike stages, these tasks don't imply a sequence. You might work on multiple tasks simultaneously, and you might revisit tasks over time.
Continuing Bonds
Earlier grief theories emphasized "letting go" of the deceased—detaching emotionally to move on. Contemporary research rejects this. The continuing bonds framework recognizes that maintaining an ongoing relationship with the deceased—through memory, ritual, internalized values, or even conversation—is healthy and normal.
Acceptance doesn't mean stopping grief or forgetting the person. It means integrating the loss into your life in a way that allows you to move forward while still honoring the relationship.
What Normal Grief Actually Looks Like
If grief doesn't follow stages, what can you expect? While everyone grieves differently, here are common patterns:
Grief Comes in Waves
Rather than moving through stages, grief tends to hit in waves—sometimes predictable (anniversaries, holidays), sometimes unexpected (a song, a smell, a stranger who resembles your loved one). Over time, waves often become less frequent and less intense, though they may never disappear entirely.
Multiple Emotions Coexist
You might feel sadness and relief simultaneously. Anger and love. Guilt and gratitude. These seemingly contradictory emotions aren't stages to move through—they can all be present at once, reflecting the complexity of human relationships.
There's No Timeline
Acute grief (intense daily impact) typically lasts weeks to months. Integrating a significant loss often takes one to two years. But there's no deadline. Some people carry grief for a lifetime while living full lives. The goal isn't to "get over it" but to integrate the loss.
Common Grief Experiences
- • Physical symptoms: Fatigue, sleep changes, appetite changes, physical aches, weakened immune system
- • Cognitive changes: Difficulty concentrating, forgetfulness, disorientation, obsessive thoughts about the deceased
- • Emotional experiences: Sadness, anger, guilt, anxiety, relief, numbness, longing, loneliness
- • Social changes: Withdrawal, changed relationships, discomfort with social situations
- • Identity questions: "Who am I now?" Grief can shake your sense of self, especially after losing someone central to your identity.
All of these are normal parts of grief. They're not stages to pass through—they're experiences that may come and go unpredictably.
When to Be Concerned: Signs of Complicated Grief
While there's no "right" way to grieve, sometimes grief becomes stuck in ways that prevent healing. Prolonged Grief Disorder (now in the DSM-5-TR) affects approximately 5-10% of bereaved people.
Signs that grief may have become complicated include:
- • Intense grief that doesn't diminish after 6-12 months
- • Inability to accept the death (persistent disbelief)
- • Complete avoidance of reminders OR inability to stop focusing on the loss
- • Feeling that life is meaningless or empty
- • Difficulty functioning in work, relationships, or daily life
- • Thoughts of suicide or wanting to die
If you recognize these patterns, grief counseling can help. Treatment for complicated grief is highly effective, with specialized approaches achieving about 70% response rates.
It's also important to distinguish grief from depression. While they share symptoms, they require different approaches. A mental health professional can help clarify what you're experiencing.
How to Think About the Stages of Grief
Despite their limitations, the five stages aren't useless. Here's how to approach them wisely:
Helpful Ways to Use the Model
- • As a vocabulary for grief experiences—recognizing anger, denial, or bargaining when they arise
- • As validation that difficult emotions like anger or relief are normal parts of grief
- • As historical context—understanding where our cultural conversation about grief began
- • As a starting point for conversations about loss, even if the model is imperfect
Unhelpful Ways to Use the Model
- • As a checklist you must complete to grieve "correctly"
- • As evidence that you're stuck if you don't experience certain stages
- • As a timeline suggesting grief should end at acceptance
- • As justification for telling someone they "should" be in a different stage
- • As a way to rush yourself or others through grief
The best approach is to hold the stages loosely—as one possible vocabulary for grief, not the definitive map. Your grief is your own, and it will unfold in its own way.
Frequently Asked Questions About the Stages of Grief
What are the 5 stages of grief?
The five stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Originally proposed by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in 1969, these stages were meant to describe how dying patients cope with terminal illness—not how bereaved people grieve. While the model provides a common language for grief, research shows that grief doesn't follow a predictable sequence of stages.
Do you have to go through all 5 stages of grief?
No. Research shows most people do not experience all five stages, and those who do rarely move through them in order. Kübler-Ross herself later clarified that the stages were never meant to be a rigid framework. Grief is highly individual—you may experience some stages intensely, skip others entirely, or move back and forth between emotional states in unpredictable ways.
Why are the stages of grief criticized?
The main criticisms are: (1) the model wasn't based on rigorous scientific research; (2) it was developed for dying patients, not bereaved people; (3) it implies grief follows a linear path to "acceptance" when research shows grief is more cyclical; (4) it can make people feel they're grieving "wrong" if their experience doesn't match the stages; and (5) it mixes emotions (anger), defense mechanisms (denial), and cognitive processes (acceptance).
What is a better model of grief?
The Dual Process Model of grief, developed by Stroebe and Schut, has more empirical support. It describes healthy grieving as oscillating between "loss-oriented coping" (processing the loss) and "restoration-oriented coping" (rebuilding life). Rather than moving through stages toward an endpoint, grieving people naturally move back and forth between these modes. This model better matches people's actual experience of grief.
How long does each stage of grief last?
There's no standard duration for any "stage" of grief because grief doesn't actually work in predictable stages. Grief tends to come in waves—some days are harder than others, often triggered by reminders of the loss. Most people experience acute grief symptoms for weeks to months, with grief gradually integrating into life over one to two years. Some degree of grief may persist indefinitely, and that's normal.
Related Resources
References & Further Reading
Kübler-Ross, E. (1969). On Death and Dying. Macmillan.
Stroebe, M., & Schut, H. (1999). The dual process model of coping with bereavement: Rationale and description. Death Studies, 23(3), 197-224.
Avis, K. A., Stroebe, M., & Schut, H. (2021). Stages of grief portrayed on the internet: A systematic analysis and critical appraisal. Frontiers in Psychology, 12, 772696.
Maciejewski, P. K., et al. (2007). An empirical examination of the stage theory of grief. JAMA, 297(7), 716-723.
Worden, J. W. (2018). Grief counseling and grief therapy: A handbook for the mental health practitioner (5th ed.). Springer.